{Don't Get Discouraged}

Even though I was sleeping I appreciated the soft kiss on my check from my sweetie as he left to work this morning.

I couldn't help but be happy as I woke up this little sweetheart and she snuggled onto my shoulder.

And then I go downstairs to find my two boys curled up on the couch under a blanket together, as happy as could be.  What would they do without each other?
  I couldn't help but feel joy as I dropped Tate off for preschool with his huge smile, I love to make him laugh.  This time it was food on his face that I had to "lick" off.

 I couldn't help but smile as I watched Jacob's chicken legs carry him as fast as he could go to his Kindergarten line.  Not until he gave his mom and sister a hug and kiss first.  We know he loves us.

I couldn't help but be grateful for all my blessings this morning...but the past still lingers.  When I think about that time, I try to remember the spirit I felt and the peace and comfort that so abundantly came our way.  It was such a heart wrenching, yet sacred time in our lives.  I try to remember the good, but I'm also reminded of the bad.  Unfortunately, my mommy handbook didn't prepare or train me on how to behave when one of my babies would die.  So I did the only thing I really knew how, which was to rely on my Heavenly Father and my husband.  But for some that wasn't enough.  I never knew, or could have even imagined that my actions, or lack of, would hurt others in such a way.  Despite the spiritual moments, I felt as though I was in a fog for a long time, and it took all I had to just keep breathing and minimally continue caring for my family.  I thought that was enough.  To my Heavenly Father and the people who really cared about ME, I think it was.  But it still makes me sad that I am losing friends because of the way I chose to handle my grief.  No one knows how they will handle it until they go through the exact same situation, and even then everyone is different and will choose different avenues to find relief from the pain.

I've been told I am now an expert in grief, but I believe only an expert in my own grief, and I hope to never judge another on how they choose to handle theirs, but instead be loving and accepting no matter what.    

Baby Marcus is on our minds every day.  In fact I feel his presence stronger now than ever.  On Sunday we sang God Be With You Till We Meet Again and I felt him there with me, as if he wanted to tell me something.  I think he has a little part of each of my children in him.  Jacob's kindness and concern, Tate's love of life and laughing, and Maizie's inherent understanding. 

We are expecting another baby, and originally I thought when we got pregnant again it would make me feel better.  Well, I was wrong.  The thought of the future will never take away the hurt from my past.  Although I know that having another beautiful spirit from our Heavenly Father in our home will make it a sacred place to be, especially since our loss of Baby Marcus.  But I'm having a very hard time being excited about it, I don't want that to overshadow our thoughts of Baby Marcus.  Or even worse, have others think that this new baby will make everything else "okay".  I also feel the need to protect myself and my family in case something happens again.  We told the kids just a few days ago, out of necessity mainly, because it is getting hard to conceal my growing belly.  I try not to be too hard on myself considering there was less than 3 months between giving birth to Baby Marcus and getting pregnant again. (It's all worth it, right?!)  But the kids were so excited and have been talking a lot about it since.  Jacob is talking about what to name "her".  Tate wants to name it Baby Marcus, and Jacob promptly explained to him why that wouldn't be a good idea.  But the first thing Jacob said was "I hope it doesn't die this time."

I felt completely helpless because I couldn't even tell him that wouldn't happen.  All I could do was say, "Me too buddy."

Then this morning, as we prayed for the new baby, Tate explained to us that we will have two babies, Baby Marcus and our new one, and he seemed pretty excited about that.

I'm taking life a day at a time, finding joy in being a mother to my beautiful children here on earth and in heaven, and trying to be a better person in everything I do, and I feel good about that.

My words to live by for this week:

Keep trying.

Keep believing.

Be happy.

Don't get discouraged.

Things will work out.

~Gordon B. Hinkley

{A Brother's Love}

This picture was on Christmas Eve, perfect jacket weather to visit our freshly covered grave.  We stop by whenever we can because it helps us talk about and remember Baby Marcus.


The other night we were out and near the cemetery so we stopped by, didn't even get out, just said "hi'.  We got home and sent the boys downstairs to get their jammies on.  I went down a few minutes later to find Jacob curled up on the couch, crying softly.  I sad down and asked him what was wrong.  He sat up, threw his arms around me and continued crying.  I asked him again what was the matter and through sobs he said to me, "I love Baby Marcus."  I of course start sobbing, then dad walks in on this scene wondering what the heck happened.  We sat and talked for a long time and reminded each other that it is okay to just be sad.


I love how sensitive Jacob his, because he reminds us daily about the most important things in our lives.  He is such a good friend, brother and son, and looks forward to meeting his brother Marcus someday.

{family day}

With Marcus' new job, he gets a lot of days off that the kids get off, which is great for family outings. So we spent our last day off at the Church History Museum and Temple Square. They have a great exhibit for the kids to explore.

The kids were so excited to get to climb on the temple steps...

{my sweeties}

I spent the Saturday before Valentine's Day helping my parents all day. I got home late to this! Flowers, balloons, a frog beanie baby, homemade heart cards from all my sweeties, and my favorite candy. Just what I needed after a long day!

The kids were all bathed and ready for bed, but I couldn't help but laugh at Tate's mismatched and backwards jammies. Still a cutie!

{Maizie Moo}

We call her Maizie Moo...too much Dr. Suess I guess.

Well, she was upset one day and went in her room, I went in a little while later and found her like this. She could still use a nap, but is not very good about taking them any more.

This treadmill does get used almost everyday, but one morning Maizie turned it into her bed while I worked on the computer.

{Maizie's new room}

I was planning on redecorating this bedroom for Maizie and the baby after the new year...so I went ahead and redecorated it for Maizie.

Before...

...and after! She was so excited that it was pink and talked about her pink room for several weeks.

{a special Christmas}

We had a wonderful day on Christmas. It was happy and calm. I think Marcus and I just soaked up every moment, considering we had just lost Baby Marcus 12 days earlier.

We had family over for lunch and games and then spent the rest of the afternoon with more family and food! (unfortunately Marcus and I came down with the flu bug that night that the kids had the week before!)

And lots of snuggling and loving...my idea of a great way to celebrate our Savior.

{Christmas elves}

I was a proud mama watching my little Jacob sing his little heart out at his school's Christmas performance. He sure has come out of his shell!

{Our "baby Jesus"}

I went to the doctor on Tuesday, December 13th for a regular appointment (22 weeks) and found out that our sweet baby boy had died. I was devastated but somehow felt prepared for that moment, and felt comfort as I got in my car and called Marcus. He was so excited we were having another boy, but for some reason had felt uneasy all day. I think he may have taken it even harder than I did. Marcus quickly finished 3 finals (neither of us slept after that), so that we could go to the hospital Wednesday afternoon and deliver our baby. I was very nervous and scared about the whole process, but we had an amazing experience. Everyone at the hospital was kind and sensitive, but not overwhelming and I felt an amazing amount of peace while we were there.

I delivered our baby at 3 am on Thursday, Dec. 15th. I wanted to name him Marcus Nelson Moeller, and Marcus didn't say anything, just cried when I told him. I never wanted to give one of our sons Marcus' full name, but I knew immediately after I learned of his death that this baby was more than good enough to carry his name.

While in the hospital we were so overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for our knowledge of the plan of salvation and it gave us great comfort to know where our baby already was, and we imagined him sitting with our grandparents who have already passed on. We know that he is in good hands. We can only imagine how special our little boy is considering he will get to skip this earthly experience and return to the celestial kingdom where we will be with him someday. I look forward to raising him and being with him just as I am with my other children.

Our kids are doing pretty well. They were so excited for this baby and talked about him a lot. A few days after we found out this baby was a boy, Tate told us we should name him Jesus. Since then we laughed about it and let him have his way and tell people we are naming our baby "Baby Jesus". Once we found out the baby had died, and only a week and a half before Christmas, it seemed only fitting that Tate wanted to name him that. He obviously knew more than we did. When Marcus told the boys that our baby had died, Tate said, "Its okay, Dad, the baby is okay." We are so grateful for our young children and the insight they have given us during this time. They are really sweet and are mainly concerned about me, just like they have been my whole pregnancy.

Despite all of our good experiences, it is still really hard, something you can never imagine until you experience it yourself. We do feel a great sense of loss, but again find a lot of comfort knowing that we are a forever family. We really appreciate the nurses and workers that were placed in our way at the hospital. I do believe they were placed there. Every single one of them knew exactly what to say, or what not to say. We all cried together and couldn't help but cry

more when we said goodbye.

A sweet worker gave us 4 little bears, for the kids. When we showed them the bears, Tate especially, hugged his tenderly. We put Baby Marcus' bear in his little casket.

My SIL gave me this beautiful picture, which is exactly how I want to picture my little boy. Marcus always talks about him and hopes he is being taken care of. He wanted to be the one taking care of him so badly. So this is the next best thing.

We buried Baby Marcus on Monday, December 19th. Marcus' Dad said an opening prayer and we all sang I Am A Child of God. Marcus then dedicated the grave and shared his testimony with us. Jacob started to cry. It was sweet and simple and the spirit testified to us that we will be a family again someday and that Baby Marcus is happy. The kids each picked a balloon to send to Baby Marcus and we all watched for as long as we could as they floated up to the sky.

On Christmas Eve, we bought a small Christmas Tree and placed in on Baby Marcus' grave. On that day we were happy. Happy to be together and to be celebrating an amazing day with our son and brother, no matter how small a celebration it was. Christmas had extra meaning for us, having just lost our son. Miraculously I had all but finished my holiday preparations prior to his death, and now know that wasn't just by chance. I thought we would just be sad celebrating, and we definitely had a different feeling, but it wasn't sadness. Our lives had been forever changed and we seemed to hold our beautiful children a little longer, and listen to everything they said, and let their every smile soak into our souls. It wasn't sadness, but a new found happiness.

I later read this quote and knew exactly what they meant. “The happiest, sweetest, tenderest homes are not those where there has been no sorrow, but those which have been overshadowed with grief, and where Christ’s comfort was accepted. The very memory of the sorrow is a gentle benediction that broods ever over the household, like the silence that comes after prayer.”

James R. Miller

We try to talk about him as much as we can. Marcus and I both struggle with not wanting to forget him, but we aren't sure how to remember him considering the few memories we have. But the kids love to talk about him, and we do too. It is like the Plan of Salvation playing a real role in our lives. What better way for them to learn, and I know they will always have this experience in their hearts.

Jacob and Tate seem very aware of what happened, and talk about it very matter of factly. I found out that Tate had told his teachers long before I ever worked up the courage to do so. But Maizie had just recently concluded that there indeed was a baby in my belly, despite how long we had been telling her. She didn't say anything about it until a few weeks after he died. She was laying by me on the couch and she rubbed my belly saying "baby". I looked at her and said, "No, the baby died." She looked at me and said, "Oh, baby all gone." Then looked at Marcus and said, "Baby all gone." And that was it. It almost makes me greatfull that they are too young (except for Jacob) to deal with the emotional side of having a baby die.

A dear friend told me that one day I would look back on this experience and wish I could do it again. I wondered how I could ever WANT to go through this again. But I later realized that I was on a spiritual high the weeks following Baby Marcus' death. The only thing Marcus and I could do was rely on our Heavenly Father and then each other for comfort. During that first week especially it was hard to wake up in the morning and remember what had happened. I knew the only way I would make it through the day was if I knelt down and prayed for help. And it was hard but I made it through each day. Some were better than others, but I did it and know that I could do it again with my Heavenly Father's guidance and comfort. I am greatful for the empathy that I now have for others and their loss. It is truly something you can never know until you've experienced your own.

I won't ever forget the amazing experiences we've had during this time and the spirit we have felt guide us the whole way. Another dear friend felt prompted to sing a hymn to us. It happened to be on a day that we were really struggling and needed answers and wanted comfort. He sang,

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds

For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.

That is all we needed to hear, and what continues to carry us through this challenging time.

{The Square Temple}

When we arrived Jacob announced there is the "Square Temple"! Well, he is right, but he meant Temple Square...

After another Christmas Party with Marcus' family we headed to see the lights. It was cold, but we saw just enough and the kids loved it!

{Party at Noahs!}

The Moeller Christmas Party was at Noahs and we had our own private ice rink on the balcony! The kids were excited, but it turns out, ice skates really hurt!! They did try it, but realized it was much more fun to just brave it with their shoes...Santa even joined them on the ice!

See Maizie in the bottom corner?

Well, she promptly walked away :)

But she loved playing with the other girls...

...and wrestling with the boys.

{sitting with Grandma}

{Family Photo with Santa}

{Maizie figured out her own way to get the candy...}